bila harijadi aku akan menjadi meriah?

minggu depan, Jumaat secara tepatnya, aku akan genap berusia 30 tahun.

tak rasa apa sangat, cuma tak sangka yang aku dah jejak ke tangga itu. namun aku bangga juga, sudah ada keluarga yang indah dan bahagia (insya Allah) pada usia begitu. syukur.

sedang melalui hari2 (menghitung juga sebenarnya) , aku terfikir; bila agaknya harijadi aku akan diraikan dengan meriah? mungkinkah bila usia mencecah 50? itupun kalau panjang umurku.

sejak kecil, rasanya harijadi ku secara biasa saja. sambutan bersama keluarga hingga majlis terakhir, di buat di rumah sewaktu aku berusia 10 tahun. kemudiannya, ia cuma harijadi. menjelang usiaku 13 tahun, majlis aku organize sendiri bersama rakan2. mungkin masa tu, usia pemberontak muda. bila keluarga seakan 'lupa' dan buat tak endah, aku sambut dengan kawan2. di sekolah, lepas merentas desa di kompleks PKNS, di restoran FC. sewaktu 14 tahun, aku pergi sunway lagoon, dgn kawan2 juga. 15 tahun, 16 tahun sambutan juga dengan kawan2. di kelas waktu sekolah, dan di bilik lukisan kejuruteraan lepas waktu sekolah. 17 tahun, agak meriah. harijadi ku disambut oleh rakan2 sekelas, guru2 dan para sidang redaksi, berikutan kejayaan aku sebagai ketua pengarang majalah sekolah, yang mencatat rekod kerana berjaya diterbitkan pada tahun yang sama juga. tapi dalam kemeriahan itu, terasa banyak yang kurang. my parents. they were not there. they weren't there to celebrate with me, they weren't even there to notice my success and acknowledge it. when i was 12, received best student in english and best student in music awards, alongside with anugerah kecemerlangan for scoring 4a's in UPSR, my parents weren't there either. won gold medal in relay, silver in 'lontar peluru' and bronze in100metre sprint, pun diorang takde. only one time, when i was the emcee for an occasion in school (i was 16), i saw them coming. i was extremely excited but the excitement ends quickly. why? cause they were not there for me (they seem shocked that i was the emcee for the ceremony), they were there for my brother; as he was receiving a prefect award. so much being the black sheep of the family.

**big and double and heavy SIGHS**

after schooling years, semua tu dah takde makna. kira dah tawar hati kononnya. when i was 18, my birthday fell on 1st syawal, and we were at my dad's kampung. my aunts yang beria-ia buat kek and we celebrated quite ok.

19, 20, sambut di itm jengka.

21, tak sambut. but my mom gave me a necklace. gold necklace. with a 'key' pendant. it was hers, actually. my dad gave her, when she turned 21 for she gave birth to me that year. i was so touched. but unfortunately, i am like her too, not really into jeweleries. rimas. pakai juga occasionally but then i returned it back to her. takut hilang.

22 sambut kat opis, dengan kawan2. boss gave me a pewter mug, i still keep it. tak guna pun, sayang.

then 23, sambut dgn kawan2 juga. received a swatch watch from my bf (not my hubby, we haven't met yet).

24, turned a little bright. for this time, i have already engaged, about to get married. 25, celebrate with hubby at home. jalan2, date and makan2. i was pregnant with dalia. 26, celebrate with hubby and dalia. most of the time, jalan2, dan makan2. no more dates. 27, celebrate at home, takleh makan kek sebab tgh dalam pantang. i just gave birth to ziyad ( he was born on feb 14th). papa gave a bouquet and a new handphone. 28, i was pregnant with dalili. we celebrate for the first time after marriage; at Sheraton Subang, just the two of us! seronok? memang, tapi hati tu takleh lepas ingat kat anak yang berdua di rumah mami (in-laws). last year, tak celebrate sangat, coz bz celebrate bday yad. just a kiss from papa. this year? takde la kot. nak celebrate bday yad je, this saturday. tumpang jek la sekaki.

apa makna birthday celebration pada aku?

aku cuma nak my existence being noticed and appreciated, by my loved ones.

nota: every year pun i had to sms adik2 aku, asking 'hari ni brp hb ekk?' just to make them wish me; 'happy bday, kakak!'