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Monday, April 7, 2008

me..as i recalled..

Looking at my children, while they are asleep, gives me some kind of feelings that only mothers could tell. Just by watching them growing up, laughing and crying, crawling and starts walking making me filled of joy and proud. Then I wonder; was my mother ever felt the same too? Through my childhood years, I hardly recall any sweet memories. I don’t know the exact reason. Was it because my mother was (and still) a career woman? Was it because of me who didn’t understand her? Was it because of the way she taught me and my siblings different from other mothers? Or was it because she didn’t get enough attention from her late mother, then she turned out to be like her? Frankly speaking, I felt ignored by my mother. Sometimes I feel like she didn’t know that I exist. Somehow she has forgotten. I was a great student in school. Was awarded as the best student in English and Music two years in a row, but I bet my mother didn’t know, and maybe still doesn’t know. She never attended any prize giving ceremonies for me in school, never cared to watch me on the field during sports day, not even there to collect my School Report Card. Was she too busy? It was on weekends, though. Besides, there was only me and my younger brother. I don’t have other brothers and sisters in school yet at that time. I recall running back from school with my year-end report card in hands, wanted badly to show my parents that I got first place in class exam. I showed my father (who was watching a TV), he just nodded. I ran upstairs to show my mother and said, “Mom, I got first place in class!” she didn’t look at me, wasn’t even looking at my report card, just said, “Ok”. How was I feeling that time? I was only 7 years old. Maybe because I am the first child, then she thought I can be on my own. As I am writing this, I feel so sad. Suddenly all those sad memories come pouring down on me. Why? Every time I looked at my little babies, I think of her. I am afraid, that I would be like my mother. There were times when I was too tired of house chores and my daughter was trying to get my attention - the toddler way, I scolded her badly that she cried her eyes out, till she had no voice to sob. I was so disappointed that time, thinking that I have turned out just like my mother. Now, everytime my children making scenes, I will calm myself first. Then only I attend to them.

I love my mother, of course. She gave birth to me. It is just; maybe somehow she didn’t know how to raise me up at that time. Maybe she didn’t know what exactly that she should teach me. What do’s and don’ts is appropriate to be taught to children and maybe she has no mother to tell her what to do she was kind of lost. When I was 16, there was a ceremony in school and I was emceeing it. I was so proud and surprised that my parents were there. Only then I discovered that they didn’t even know that I will be the emcee for the ceremony, that they were there because of my younger brother was one of the award receiver in that ceremony. I hated my brother so much that time. Everything is all about him. Even though we have other two sisters, my brother is still their everything. Sometimes I wonder, why? What is so special about him? And what is so bad about me? I don’t want to blame my parents. It is just that I feel disappointed and broken-hearted. I seldom chat with my parents, compared to my brother. It seems like they don’t have anything to say about with me, but have so many things to talk to my brother. Well, maybe they have their own reasons. I don’t hate my brother anymore. I just live it the way they like it to be. If my parents think that my brother is more important than me, so be it. I have decided long ago that I am nobody’s baby. When my husband asked me about my sweet memories, I said I don’t have one. Yes, my mother did stay with me in the hospital when I was knocked down by a lorry in 1986, had a slip disc surgery in 2003, and delivered my 3rd baby in 2007, but that was not a sweet memory, that was responsibility (wasn't it?). Had one day I was trying to give her something for Mother’s Day and thought of giving her a custom-made picture frame with a picture of us and some writings on it, I discovered that we never took any good pictures together. I cancelled the picture frame, just gave her the wish. Am I confused with love, care and responsibility? I think not. I am a mother now, and I certainly know the differences (do I?).

Now, I said to myself, I better concentrate with my own family. Yes, we do visits my parents once in a while but the things have changed. I feel a little awkward when my mother trying to have some conversation with me about everything, for she never did that before, but I am trying to cope with her. I love her, she’s my mother. Whatever she did (or I thought she did) in the past will be memories, neither sweet nor bitter. I will always love her and I want my children to love her as well. Here is a little something for her, gave it during her birthday last Mar 10, 2008...

Mak,

You have reached the golden jubilee

It tells us that we have shared your 50 years of wonders

Through thick and thin you have gone

Still manage to pour us the rain of love.

Mak,

Ever wondered why we didn’t name you as our idol in school assignment?

Because to us, you already a real life idol,

In our heart, mind and soul

Your status is much higher, for heaven lies under your feet

(surely you know that)

Mak,

You must have heard us complaining, whining or maybe

even get bored and angry

you must have seen us disappointed, scared or maybe broken hearted.

Perhaps, we didn’t notice what you saw in us.

Perhaps, we only see what we wanted to see.

Forgive us mother, for being a little selfish.


Mak,

On this beautiful 50th birthday of yours,

We seek your continuous love, care and tenderness,

We seek your understandings with our lives,

We seek for your everlasting trust,

For we will always do the same to you.

Happy 50th birthday, mother

We love you so much, we do!!




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