uhh..

kali ni nak cakap pasal apa ekk? as usual, i have lost and loads of things to be told but oftenly slipped or gone with the end by the time i finally have time to sit and go online.

yeah..i am 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. and my back hurts like hell. it was ok with my 1st and 2nd child and got a little severe during my third's but this time, i can't even sit on my butt for more than 10 minutes. (i have to do the typing in standing position..). went to smc last nite but since i'm preggy, they can't do nothing. i was asked to come back the next day and meet the specialist who did my surgery last 2003. well, when i told my hubby, his face changed. of course, it wasn't because meeting the specialist but the COST of meeting the specialist. the x-ray, the consultation, etc. what we afraid most, being admitted. the deposit alone is rm1500. daily is rm150-180 (the cheapest rate).

if only...if only...

can't bare leaving my kids alone with my hubby (for he'll send them over to his mom's) since they are all still very small, esp dalili. not to mention their behaviour lately. my mom-in-law..she's old. and she takes care of her daughter's daughter too (about the same age as dalili) and that girl likes to cling on her grandma like, all the time..she might not say NO when we wanted to send our children (they are her grandies too, by the way!!), but the look on her face is very clear. she's tired. i know she doesn't hate them, it's just the tiring that gets in the way, all the time. i understand that.

what i can and will try my best to do now is, hang on and be strong. hoping that God will always help me and try not to question anything and everything too much.

my hubby is busy this week. very, indeed. got some recording to do, studio rental tomorrow, ifa raziah's sound setting this friday (separuh akhir muzik2) and the rehearsal is tonight. can't blame him though..even i want to, badly.


God, You are testing me..