Thursday, April 24, 2008
it was 2002. i wasn't married yet but engaged (with zairi, of course). Edry was only 5 years old. i fetched him from school (pre school at Masjid SSAAS). nak dijadikan cerita, my fiance called. i dont remember what we were talking about but i was kinda pissed. and edry was bugging and interrupting like hell (biasa la, budak2, banyak cakap) ignoring that i was on the phone. i told him to be quite. he didn't hear me, i guess.
when my fiance couldnt really heard me, then i burst out with edry. 'Diamlah!! Tak nampak ke kakak tengah buat apa?!' i yelled and shouted at him. and there was silence everywhere. i hung up the phone. with anger filled in me. edry was looking out the window. we were at the traffic light (it was red) at the T junction in front of Concorde hotel, Shah Alam.
I can tell that he was shocked. Suddenly i saw him sobbing (he was holding it back hard, couldn't hear him, just his shoulder's moving). I felt bad. Really bad. I called him, 'dik..' and he turned to me with red eyes. OMG! what have i done? I can't help my tears from falling down and by seeing this, edry burst out with tears too. I said, 'dah..dah..dengar cakap kakak. kalau kakak tgh cakap dlm fon, adik jgn la menyampuk, ok?' he nodded and crossed over to sit on my lap, crying like hell. I drove home with him hugging me so tight, on my lap. when we reached home, i asked him why the silence and the cry? he said 'kita takut. kita tak penah tengok kakak marah macam tu.' i sighed.
true. i never scolded any of my siblings like that. well, maybe Eriq. for he's only a year younger than me and we were not so get-along. but not others. not eleena, not eireen and not edry. at least, not blindly. scolded eleena once or twice (maybe more) but that was because of something naughty she did and i was just doing what an elder sister should do. I am not an angel. i've been naughty, and bad. Certainly i dont want any of my sisters or brothers be like that. if eleena happened to read this, kakak cuma nak cakap, kakak sayang adik2 kakak. kakak marah mesti bersebab. kakak kesal for whatever happened between me and you. and kakak truly wants the best for you. as to edry, if you still remember this incident, kakak minta maaf. be good, ok? dah besar dah sekarang, kan? dah 11 tahun dah. tolong-tolong sikit buat kerja rumah tu. jangan nak makan tido je. walaupun bongsu, jangan jadi malas. jangan tunggu kak chik dan nina balik, buat semuanya. jangan harapkan mak dan ayah je. dah pandai masak sikit2, janganlah pulak nak makan je kejenye. ok?
now that i am married, lots of things happen around me with kids and family. now i know the feelings. it is kinda hard to keep everything in pace and in control. am glad though, being here watching my kids grow. and my siblings? the have grown well and beautiful and successful. as a big sis (i AM big), i'm proud of them. I do!
'alo wan. wan wat pe tu?'
'alo yad. wan nak masak la. yad dah makan?'
'yad dah makan. makan nasi dgn ayam la tu!' (tak kira whatever dish i cook, itu juga menu yg dia ingat)
'ooo. sedap ke?' (soalan lazim)
'sedap la mama masak ni.' (heh..jgn marah)
'ok wan. wa'salam (walau pun wan dia tak bg salam). babai, ibeiutuuu'
...dan lepas tu aku sambung la apa yang patut. hehehe, klaka juga anak2 nih. mcm² kerenah.
tengah mandi sejurus selepas azan maghrib tadi (tgh azan takleh dok dlm bilik air, banyak setan), tiba-tiba telefon berdering. Papa rupanya, bgtau balik lambat sket. ok lah... kerja kan, nak buat cemana. pastuh sambung mandi (with open door; believe it or not! ) sambil main cak² dgn lili yang dok dlm walker. ha ha ha..sewell!! dah siap mandi, dok baik punya lap badan, tetiba dgr yad bercakap hebat dan keletah sekali. tapi, tak dengar pun suara kakak dia membalas kata. aku pun keluar, tengok yad tgh asyik bercakap dgn telefon di telinga. 'aik? berlakon ke apa nih? macam real jek?' getus hatiku. Sungguh² dia bersembang. dalam hati tu takde la rasa cuak kot dia ckp dgn makhluk halus ke apa ke (never crossed my mind!) just thinking, 'ni kalau betul bersembang ni tah dgn sapa la nih..' tu je. dalam perbualannya tu, ada plak sebut chik-chik. aik? lagi sekali aku kenpius. bior betol nih. dah tuh aku pun dgn masih bertuala duduk la kejap kat kerusi IKEA-Pello tu, dgn mendekatkan telinga kat telefon yang dipegang ziyad. 'Ya Allah! Betul chik-chik rupanya!!' . aku pun grab tepon jap tanya chik-chik,
'sapa call sapa nih chik?'
'ntah, org jawab call tetiba ada suara budak.'
'la, bukan ko yang call kakak la.'
'ni yad dail sendiri la ni, kakak tgh mandi tadi'
ha ha ha..hebat juga anak aku yang baru 2 thn lebih sket nih. sebenarnya tak de la hebat mana pun. kebetulan je dia tertekan the right key. tu yang berfungsi dgn hebat sekali tuh.
ziyad, ziyad. heh..tak tau nak cakap apa lagi..
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
"tak tau lagi la, ma. kenapa?"
"takde laa..kalau tak kemana-mana, ma nak masak ni."
"hmm..tak payah masak lah, pa beli je jap lagi. ma pun penat tu."
"betul ni? kalau nak masak pun ma tak kisah..beli pun ok je. hehehe."
"ha ha ha..saja la tuh!"
"ma, pa nak baring kejap. nanti lepas zohor kita keluar, ya?"
"ok. yad tu? bawa masuk bilik sekali. tido atas karpet macam tu, tak selesa."
"hmm...ye lah. allahuakbar! yad ni sedap didukung la, kan ma?"
"pa, yaya nak okk okk dulu yer.."
"ler, okk okk pon nak bgtau papa? apa la dalia ni.."
"he he..yaya saje je."
well, sounds like a very harmony family conversation, eh? not everyday is like that. Normal. Ups and downs in life.
But, most of our conversation is like that. and papa always missed out most of it for he rarely at home.
Never blamed him. Just sometimes misses his appearance. miss him, we all do. but then, what to do? he's busy about work, studio and business. at the moment, have to face it.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
this friend of mine (i named him as Tuanku here, as he is royal-blooded fella) been living under stressed for his whole life, as i was told by him. I do pity him just by listening to the matter told. even though he didn't tell me the exact true and whole stories..i felt sad and glad at once. sad for him and glad that my life's not as bad as his.
why are these things happening to us, human beings? as muslims, i can only say its a test. to be a better person, the bigger and harder test one get. I guess, Tuanku must be pressured due to his way of life. maybe he's royal blooded dad just wants the best for Tuanku.
"but...tuanku, confront him, please. ask him what exactly that he wants from you. and why is he acting and treating you like this. "
just by thinking of your situation i feel saddened. pening juga kepala nih. FYI, i can't stop thinking of one matter without trying to solve it. that's just me.
well..kinda feeling bad and sad..plus this nausea of mine lom habis lagi. asal makan je nak muntah..erhh..tension plak..
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
today i ate cheesy foccasia for lunch. drank warm water with lite lime extract to eliminate my sense of vomiting and now, while blogging, eating a butter sandwich. bukan nak jaga badan or dieting but just tired of vomiting again and again.
when i told my situation to my good friend ninie (who's currently residing in Dubai; following her hubby) she was furiously cursing me on and on with thought that i must be pregnant. ha ha..gila ninie nih..sesuka jek sumpah seranah aku. heks!!
even if i'm pregnant (again!?) i'll be glad. and yes, that's the thought that i'm trying to avoid. tired of raising the three musketeers isn't over yet adding another one? adoii.. kalau dah rezeki, tak apalah.. blame my hubby for not using protection!! ha ha.. but honestly, deep down my heart, there are mixed feelings about getting pregnant again. glad and happy for having another baby but at the same time feeling tired for i have to raise them all by my own. ye laa..hubby keje, kan. house chores, cooking, bathing the children, changing diapers etc..penat beb. i had my everyday morning shower around 12 noon beb. morning hapa cenggitu, kan? then lepas maghrib baru nak mandi petang plak. got to settle the kids and the house dloo. my laundry? my goodness!! 2 hari sekali yet still tak cukup ampaian. muahahhahaa. tu belum kira yang belum dilipat. Ya Allah..kuatkanlah hambaMu ini. Tangga rumah? takleh mop, tak lut. kena lap beb. macam orang jepun kemas rumah. pergghhh..seminggu sekali lap pun habuknya, astaghfirullah..nak hire weekly assistant..tak mampu plak. kot setakat seploh doploh hinggit untuk simple chores, kalau ada yang ndak..boleh le diusahakan. tak menang tangan aku nih weii.. anak2 dgn kerenah mereka..dok hingaq sana sini. sat main tang ni, tinggal..pi tang sana plak bongkar ntah apa lagi..pstuh tinggal. nak putus urat tekak memekik..but then, anak2. bukan paham sangat pon dgn situasi kita. tak apa..soon they will understand. terima dgn redha dan sabar..upahNya sangat lumayan. hehehehe...but, the thought of having another baby ni pon quite disturbing my hubby, for sure he will have to work a little more harder to ensure the wellness of the family. banyak mulut nak suap. poor him too. sapa tak sayang suami weii...i cant see him coming back from work looking like some indons labour. by writing this alone i'm feeling sad. hardly controlling my tears. i love him, of course. kesian tgk dia balik keje lewat hari2. dah habis shift di UiTM berkejar pula ke Studio Anggerik. my dad said, nak senang in the future kena susah2 dulu in the present. I know. Been thru that situation.
When i was only 7..dad started a business. habis shift malam dekat ISF Port Klang, balik around 7.30a.m ( aku selalu pi sekolah lambat beb, kena tunggu ayah balik dulu..kalau tak sapa nak antar?), sent me to school, then sleep for about 2 hrs and mula buat biznes dia, as an F class contractor. as a beginner, dialah kuli dialah boss. kena tipu? bayaran sangkut? even aku kecik lagi, i know all the story.
nak diuji lagi, my dad encountered a thrilling experience. I GOT KNOCKED DOWN BY A LORRY! he was just got back from work (ISF), I just got back from mengaji quran and told to buy a loaf of bread and a bottle of soy sauce (kicap laa). when about to cross the road (not heading home but to the playground instead) a 1 tonne lorry reversed, and couldnt see tiny me ( ha ha) and u can tell what's next. got hit with another friend of mine, Ayu. there were four of us, Along (ayu's sis), ayu, yan and me. Along and yan crossed earlier, they were safe! but me and ayu got hit. ayu's ok. just few bruises here and there. but me? i got stuck under the lorry. laid on my back, with my knee on my face. imagining? good..keep it on. hehehe..got dizzy..was between consciousness and next thing i remember, the driver brought me to the nearest clinic (Klinik Tg. Amir, Sect. 16, Shah Alam- now azim's(my hubby's friend) in law's restaurant). there he asked me to walk on my own inside the clinic and i said "mana boleh, sakit la". then i saw a glimpse of my dad, just arrived with his motor buruk. turned out along told him bout the accident, handed him the flatten bread and broken soy sauce bottle; shaking heavily with tears. dad grabbed me from the driver and carried me in. heard Tg. Amir scolded the lorry driver "apsal langgar budak kecik? kenapa bawak sini? terus la hantar hospital!! gila ke?!" I was just smiling weakly.
when the nurse was done cleaning my cuts and wound, my dad rushed me to the hospital (HBTAR, of course) with the lorry. the driver was quiet all the way long. my dad? babbling like hell to him. I remember everything. dad said "kalau aku tau kau nak langgar anak aku, aku bunuh kau awal2!" luckily he didn't know earlier, kan? he patted my cheek, kissed my forehead, talked non stop, just to kept me awake. upon ariving at the Hospital, stretcher's awaited, rushed to O.R. Got stripped down (they tore my red baju kurung as it has already torn), the nurse was asking me my name, age and so on..the light's on and while thinking hardly the answer to the simple questions asked i was 'gone'. good trick aa... woke up on the stretcher on the way to the ward. there i saw my mother, still in her work dress. spent a week at the hospital and 2 months recovery leave. ha ha..cuti sekolah pon..hujung tahun, tak merasa la ponteng. keh keh keh..
poor my dad and mum eh? in order to upgrade the family living quality, had to face so many turbulance and consequences. thinking of the problems they had to deal with and the current ones disturbing my hubby and me, I can still be thankful. the best is yet to come. we have to be prepared.
by reading this, please dont assume that i'm pregnant again. blom check & takut nak check. and please support us mentally. we need it badly.
till later....... ;)
Sunday, April 13, 2008
menjelang detik itu...
my kids! dah macam kera kena belacan dah. ntah apa2 ntah! tak sabar2 nak berjalan. of course, bukan selalu dapat jalan2 dgn papa & mama. maklum, papa selalu sibuk. pergi kerja pagi, balik malam kul 8. kalau ada orang booking studio, mau sampai kul 12 baru balik. tapi yang tak tahan dengan bebudak ni ialah tahap 'ke excited an' (di larang mengguna perkataan ini dalam sebarang jenis ujian/ peperiksaan!) diorang yang melampau. tak boleh nak duduk dia. ada je yang nak dibuat. on la tv tu, pasang la cerita apa pun. memang tak jalan. punggung panas je, tak boleh letak lama sket. pffuhhhh...penat beb. but what to do, they're my kids. comel2 belaka pulak. bijak pandai lagi. sepatah ditanya, mak aih..jawapan mungkin mencecah 20 patah perkataan. itu termasuk yang ntah apa-apa lagi la, kan. yang tak termasuk dalam soalan. hehehehe. sesambil tulis blog, telinga dok dengar tv (berita terkini) sesambil jugak baca paper. sekadar nak tau perkembangan semasa. dalam kepala nak tulis banyak pasal politik ni, especially bout negeri selangor yang dah bertukar status. ni pon dah terasa hangat di hati, nak marah je nih. simpan dulu, will write more about this home state of mine later. ...
read my sisters' friends blog (liyana aziz). hmm..hebat juga bahasa adik2 nih. zaman sekarang, english dah jadi macam belacan pada budak2 bandar. hebat. kagum. for sure got grammar error here and there but not too much. kalau tak takkan dapat SPM 11A, kan? looking at their pictures, reading their blogs, i feel happy for them. why? coz it seems like they have nothing to be worried about in their life. well, hasn't started yet. and from my observation (thru reading their blogs, of course), they are good kids. but, something disturbing occurs while browsing my facebook account. read one of my sisters' friends profile and she seems drifting away from our eastern way of life. what concerns me, she looks happy, well too happy bout her life now. eventhough she's not my sister, no relationship whatsoever with me, but i do worried about her. hopefully none of my sis's friends here yang turns to be like that. and i'm convinced that eireen wont be like that. Insya Allah.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
From the 'control room' to the jamming studio. The equipment may look simple, but the sound is as best as you can get. Assured!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Looking at my children, while they are asleep, gives me some kind of feelings that only mothers could tell. Just by watching them growing up, laughing and crying, crawling and starts walking making me filled of joy and proud. Then I wonder; was my mother ever felt the same too? Through my childhood years, I hardly recall any sweet memories. I don’t know the exact reason. Was it because my mother was (and still) a career woman? Was it because of me who didn’t understand her? Was it because of the way she taught me and my siblings different from other mothers? Or was it because she didn’t get enough attention from her late mother, then she turned out to be like her? Frankly speaking, I felt ignored by my mother. Sometimes I feel like she didn’t know that I exist. Somehow she has forgotten. I was a great student in school. Was awarded as the best student in English and Music two years in a row, but I bet my mother didn’t know, and maybe still doesn’t know. She never attended any prize giving ceremonies for me in school, never cared to watch me on the field during sports day, not even there to collect my School Report Card. Was she too busy? It was on weekends, though. Besides, there was only me and my younger brother. I don’t have other brothers and sisters in school yet at that time. I recall running back from school with my year-end report card in hands, wanted badly to show my parents that I got first place in class exam. I showed my father (who was watching a TV), he just nodded. I ran upstairs to show my mother and said, “Mom, I got first place in class!” she didn’t look at me, wasn’t even looking at my report card, just said, “Ok”. How was I feeling that time? I was only 7 years old. Maybe because I am the first child, then she thought I can be on my own. As I am writing this, I feel so sad. Suddenly all those sad memories come pouring down on me. Why? Every time I looked at my little babies, I think of her. I am afraid, that I would be like my mother. There were times when I was too tired of house chores and my daughter was trying to get my attention - the toddler way, I scolded her badly that she cried her eyes out, till she had no voice to sob. I was so disappointed that time, thinking that I have turned out just like my mother. Now, everytime my children making scenes, I will calm myself first. Then only I attend to them.
I love my mother, of course. She gave birth to me. It is just; maybe somehow she didn’t know how to raise me up at that time. Maybe she didn’t know what exactly that she should teach me. What do’s and don’ts is appropriate to be taught to children and maybe she has no mother to tell her what to do she was kind of lost. When I was 16, there was a ceremony in school and I was emceeing it. I was so proud and surprised that my parents were there. Only then I discovered that they didn’t even know that I will be the emcee for the ceremony, that they were there because of my younger brother was one of the award receiver in that ceremony. I hated my brother so much that time. Everything is all about him. Even though we have other two sisters, my brother is still their everything. Sometimes I wonder, why? What is so special about him? And what is so bad about me? I don’t want to blame my parents. It is just that I feel disappointed and broken-hearted. I seldom chat with my parents, compared to my brother. It seems like they don’t have anything to say about with me, but have so many things to talk to my brother. Well, maybe they have their own reasons. I don’t hate my brother anymore. I just live it the way they like it to be. If my parents think that my brother is more important than me, so be it. I have decided long ago that I am nobody’s baby. When my husband asked me about my sweet memories, I said I don’t have one. Yes, my mother did stay with me in the hospital when I was knocked down by a lorry in 1986, had a slip disc surgery in 2003, and delivered my 3rd baby in 2007, but that was not a sweet memory, that was responsibility (wasn't it?). Had one day I was trying to give her something for Mother’s Day and thought of giving her a custom-made picture frame with a picture of us and some writings on it, I discovered that we never took any good pictures together. I cancelled the picture frame, just gave her the wish. Am I confused with love, care and responsibility? I think not. I am a mother now, and I certainly know the differences (do I?).
Now, I said to myself, I better concentrate with my own family. Yes, we do visits my parents once in a while but the things have changed. I feel a little awkward when my mother trying to have some conversation with me about everything, for she never did that before, but I am trying to cope with her. I love her, she’s my mother. Whatever she did (or I thought she did) in the past will be memories, neither sweet nor bitter. I will always love her and I want my children to love her as well. Here is a little something for her, gave it during her birthday last Mar 10, 2008...
You have reached the golden jubilee
It tells us that we have shared your 50 years of wonders
Through thick and thin you have gone
Still manage to pour us the rain of love.
Ever wondered why we didn’t name you as our idol in school assignment?
Because to us, you already a real life idol,
In our heart, mind and soul
Your status is much higher, for heaven lies under your feet
(surely you know that)
You must have heard us complaining, whining or maybe
even get bored and angry
you must have seen us disappointed, scared or maybe broken hearted.
Perhaps, we didn’t notice what you saw in us.
Perhaps, we only see what we wanted to see.
Forgive us mother, for being a little selfish.
On this beautiful 50th birthday of yours,
We seek your continuous love, care and tenderness,
We seek your understandings with our lives,
We seek for your everlasting trust,
For we will always do the same to you.
Happy 50th birthday, mother
We love you so much, we do!!
the studio 'A' entrance.
Musical instruments placing.
Keyboard stand only. Keyboard? bring it your own!
this is where Studio Anggerik situated. 2nd floor, above 'ah-long' company. wondering, where exactly? Its in Sect. 23, Shah Alam, near the roundabout to Uptown Shah Alam Sect. 24. The signage? err..not yet..later la!
Well..what do you think? I will upload new pictures when ready. Nitrus (popular with 'Hujung Dunia', now about to launch their 2nd album) been here for jamming; practising their music. In fact, at the moment, they are our 'loyal' customers! The studio is not officially open yet. Need more to do till we satisfied. Credits (lots of it) to En. Zahari from Wavelet Resources S/B, my hubby's partner for making our dream (more to my hubby's dream exactly) come true. Launching? Will inform soon. Insya Allah. Pray for its' success! Keep your fingers crossed!
Finally, a company of our own. Though it's just a small and new company, never mind. What's most important, the determination of making it a successful one. Now we have a jamming cum recording studio called Studio Anggerik. You should see the look on my husbands' when this new 'baby' of ours (more to his, actually) arrives. The Studio is not fully setup yet. Thought of having two recording/ jamming studio but slowly..One is now complete, more income needed to build another one. The studio is now on operation. Bookings? Those who knows me, can contact me. This new baby is developing. even the studio can be used (try it, the sound's marvellous), the lounge is empty. Well, people say 'don't judge a book by its cover', right? Come and see it for yourself first.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Well..no need to bother how did I ever exist..like no one knows..duhh!! Born feb 20th 29 years ago, first child of 5; 3 girls and 2 boys. Now been married for almost 5 years. 5? i said 5? yeah..just about to bloom, I guess. Got 3 kids; 2 girls (very beautiful) and a handsome boy. My life is actually a boring one. Guess that my siblings are more luckier. Sometimes I feel like I do not know what exactly been going on with my life. when sometimes people asked, 'what's my best memories?' I kind of stutter..and quickly said: my marriage, of course. What if the question popped out before I got married? It did, and I didn't answer. Wonder why? Me too.. Nevermind about it. Now I am very happy with my beautiful family. When I got married in 2003, many of my friends asked me whether its for real or was I just teasing them. 'Of course it's for real!' I said. Been brokenhearted so many times and finally getting married. I don't blame my friends for the shocked they got when I gave them my wedding invitations. Thanks to my kind and lovingly husband, Zairi. Nobody's perfect and so are we. Arguments? Always. But, thinking of it, who doesn't? That's normal, spices of life I'd say. Get along, savour the sweetness, taste the bitterness and learn from the mistakes done. See the prof; my 3 beautiful babies. They are growing up as bright as the sunshine. Clever and talkative, quick developing skills and most of all, sweet smiles. Errrmm..what do you think of my children being kids model? hehehe..